Blessed Nightmares
by Moerae
Summary: [Clover] Unable to let go, Kazuhiko clings to every last shred of memory, even if they are nightmares.


Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Clover... 

  
  
  
  


Blessed Nightmares

  
  


Darkness....

  


Drifting within the arms of sleep, I waited for the land of dreams. Waiting.... for your voice.

  


It was always the same. I would close my eyes against the world and your voice would lull me deeper into... Your voice, so clear in my mind that I was almost fooled into believing you were here. 

  


Almost....

  


Every night your voice would be the first to greet my subconscious. Then, as expected, the horrible images would begin to play. Your pale porcelain face marred with blood. Your gleaming silver white hair, fanned out in lose limp strands. Your eyes were only mere polished emerald orbs, no longer bright and vibrant – dead. 

  


It was always the same dream; nightmare. I would always see you lying cold and dead on the concrete floor, even if I never witnessed the explosion. 

  


And always, I would wake, clutching my chest. My breaths coming out in harsh pants, sweat pouring down my brow. 

  


***

  


Kazuhiko pressed a hand hard against his closed eyes, wishing to wash the after images of the nightmare away. Letting out a long drawn out sigh, he looked out the window. The sky was still dark but hints of pale blue streaked across the horizon. It was still too early for the sun to be out.

  


Turning away from the window, he lifted his right hand and stared at his palm. Languidly, he traced the dark outline of the green leaf, running his index finger over every contour and curve. It had been two months since the incident and still the mark remained – like a brand. 

  


Had he not accomplished his mission? Should it not be gone by now? Had he not suffered enough? First Oruha... now Suu.

  


Letting out another sigh, he got up and cringed. He should never be allowed to be left alone with his thoughts; he would only end up drowning himself with the nonsense.

  


***

  


"No use wallowing in self pity, Kazuhiko." I murmured to myself. 

  


Unsteadily, I headed over to the bathroom and filled the basin with water. Dunking my head into icy water, I remained under for as long as possible before lifting my head for air. The fogginess in my mind lifted somewhat and I stared apprehensively at my reflection.

  


My eyes were dull and dark circles loomed under them. I let my gaze wander over to my chest and traced the many scars there. The most recent wounds had already healed but the scars remained. This, along with the leaf was a constant reminder. 

  


'Move on' they tell me. 'Move on and get on with your life Kazuhiko.'

  


How was I supposed to move on with so many things reminding me of what happened? How was I supposed to forget when my heart refuses to let me?

  


***

  


Turning away from the mirror, he moved back to the bedroom hastily. Finding nothing to do, Kazuhiko aimlessly wandered the apartment. Seeing the pack of cigarette lying on the table, he grabbed one and held it between his fingers. He lit it and placed it between his lips, taking a drag. Letting the smoke fill his lungs, he blew out and wandered over to the windows. 

  


The sky was a lighter shade of blue now. The many wires dangling haphazardly over each other hummed monotonously. It was still too early for people to be awake and he was glad. He watched with unseeing eyes as the sky began to brighten, declaring the start of a new day. He was too far gone to notice the soft tune of the familiar song playing.

  


***

  


You haunt me, Suu. Day and night you haunt me, and I could do naught but endure the sleepless nights and the restless days. My mind recoiled from the hellish apparitions and my spine crawled from its frigid gnarled touch. 

  


And yet... I cling to these nightmares. Why? Why do I let myself live through this hell? Why do I let myself remain static and unmoving from these memories? 

  


I knew the answer to that question. I had always known. Secretly I relished the dreams, no matter how heart wrenching they were, I still treasured them. They were my only way of remembering your voice, your sweet tranquil voice. 

  


At first, after the incident, I had played the song over and over, hoping to capture and file away the tone of your voice. But like you, I didn't want the fairies to sing it. So I had removed the radio from the apartment, not wanting to hear the song that you and Oruha sang. And that was when the dreams came. 

***

  
  


I hate you Suu, both you and Oruha, for putting me through this hell. For making me feel. For making me vulnerable. For leaving me behind. 

  
  
  
  
  


_'So deliver me, help me_

  


_to forget the tribulations of the day_

  


_and to stay in this dream of night,_

  


_where I can be thinking of you forever_

  
  


_take me_

  
  
  


_to my bliss..._' 

  
  



End file.
